I feel bad...please answer...?

I just ate 4 cans of sliced potatoes with onions and butter backed. pasta. brocolli. a thing of vegetarian bacon. a tomatoe and lettuce. and half a gallon of ice cream. yes I did purge. but that was only one time during the day. I do that like 5 times a day. I had an eating disorder since 14. have been in and out of hospitals. and recently went eating disorder free for 6 months. but relapsed 5 days ago. and I told my mom and the program I attend. im 19. no longer have a job to pay for food. I feel bad because I know my mom is struggling to buy this stuff. and struggling to keep herself together. cause of my ed. and suicide attempts. and cutting. I lost 10 pounds since I started again.I feel bad I know she cant afford me. and its a waste of food which Is tottally against what I believe. but yet I cant stop im so trapped in the ed. and I really dont want to stop. what should I do. I feel bad. and dont tell me to stop. j have tried. its to hard. and I have even been to remuda ranch.